All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
