I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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