i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
