she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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