just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
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