so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
