Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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