Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
