Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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