my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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