my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She's the barista slut.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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