That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
