I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
