Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
