Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is it penis luge time yet?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
