I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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