im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize