$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
