My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
