I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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