I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You pole danced in your parka.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
