and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
