I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize