just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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