She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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