the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
