I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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