It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
