i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
