I have demons in me.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
