If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
