she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
