I showed him my bush... on skype.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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