Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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