Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
