Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
