I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
