when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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