is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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