I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
