Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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