The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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