Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
