dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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