Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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