THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
