I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
