i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
