i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
