my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
