I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
