dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
