why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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