I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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