He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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