FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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